To love an addict.

image from livestrong.com

Heroin. Yup. I love a heroin addict. Who is currently in recovery, in Florida.

When we met he had gotten out of rehab the previous year, was very upfront about his situation to me and my family. And I appreciated that. I knew there was a chance of him relapsing, but I saw through the addict to the man he really was. And I was in love with that man.

Did he relapse? Yes. Many, many times.

image from heroinaddictionhelpguide.com

I stood by and supported him, I knew that he wouldn't stop unless he truly wanted to. For a while he tried NA/AA meetings .. which he even had me accompany him to some of them.  Personally,  dislike the program. There are many reasons why. I am glad that it helps the people it does, but I do not think it is a program for everyone.

A lot happened over the course of the next two years, it was not all easy, but we remained strong. Yes, he manipulated and lied to me. Even stole some money once (later admitted it). I could usually tell when he did something wrong, and could always get him to talk about it.

This may sound like an awful relationship, but it's not. Really. And no, he wasn't using the whole time. He was always good to me, and most of the time a really amazing guy. He has had a lot of hardships, and I know he needs to face them. Which is why this rehab is good for him.

I want to state that I did not start dating him because I want to "fix" him, he was on fairly solid ground when we met. The reason I stayed with a person like that was because I saw beyond it (and I know that is not always a good thing to do)- but it worked well for us and our families.

It has been 2 months since I have seen him. And it hurts a lot. I'm not sure where to turn because as my blogs name states, I am a self-proclaimed recluse. I commute to school, go to classes, and come home. I talk to people at school but not enough that we hang out outside of school or that we confide in each other. Besides doing what I need to be doing to get my degree, I am at home, and missing him. It's not all bad, I have taught myself to crochet, spent time with my parents, and talked to some people online that I haven't seen since my first year of college when I was at a different school. I also see his family every once in a while, his mom, little sister, little brother, older brother, and the two rats that Anne (his sister) and I share. They live at her house because my mom decreed that no more living things would die in this house. Which meant, no pets after my rat Strawberry died.

Strawberry peaking out from underneath my covers after a short nap!

Then we got Sugar and Oreo! Oreo was named by me because she is all black with a white stripe going up her tummy! Anne named Sugar for obvious reasons.

Sugar and Oreo right after we bought them home!

If you think rats are gross, I have a whole argument I could present to you why there are the best 'small' pet. But that's for a different time. I have really gotten off track with what I was saying.

I'm saying, I miss him so much. So much. That's kinda why I've started this blog, to get it all out. At times I am angry, and at others just sad, and I can also be so happy for him and the journey he is taking to recovery.

I really wish I knew a way to help me feel better and connect with others who understand what I am going through, or are at least sympathetic and willing to listen to my rants! I'll even listen to theirs! ;)

Alla prossima,

The Self-Proclaimed Recluse.